This seriously wasn't suppose to happen...

I can't even recount how many times I have said that in the past 6 months...

This was not suppose to happen...

1 part denial, 1 part acknowledgement

I think back to my beautiful baby, her round chubbiness, her sweetness in her smile and soft curls.
Where did she go? When was the exact moment it crept up on her and stole her away?

I look through the pictures and videos trying to find the exact moment but all I see is there are gradually fewer smiles, fewer sparkling eye looking for the camera, fewer, less and less...so gradual until it was all gone.

About 6 months ago, I was cast into deep water. The doctor was finally listening that something wasn't right. Was it just a language delay or something more??? I started to learn more, my eyes were open and connections were finally being made.

Sink or swim... sink or swim.

It was a little of both, really. Some days, it was sinking into a deep despair, and mourning for the healthy, happy baby, and the possibilities of a healthy, happy life. What would become of her in 5 years, 10 or 20? Would she ever have a chance at somewhat of a strife free life or a family of her own?

Then the anger would enter- so many opportunities and chances have been stolen from her. She is plagued with anxiety and overwhelming sensory and language issues that prevent her from anything that resembles "normal." No, while other children her age learn to ski, ice skate or make best friends, or happily play with a tricycle, she is not able to! It's overwhelming, uncomfortable and the motor planning keeps her from attaining and following simple instructions.
The questions... Why this? Why now? Why her? Why, God??? So many prayers, ending with tears or heated words.

More pain, more anger- searching and reaching out to others in near similar situations. They don't want to share or talk about it. They don't want to be real, or maybe they are afraid to get real. I don't know their reasons but so many doors were shut in my face.
More despair. I'm alone and I have only you, God. I need solace, I need guidance.... I need You!
After 6 months of checking off the "what you're suppose to do list" it's just time to get real- to get work through the pain, anger and the despair that threatens at every turn...because seriously, this wasn't suppose to happen to her!